雅思作文问题Topic：In some countries around the world men and women

雅思作文问题
Topic：
In some countries around the world men and women tend to have their children late in life.What are the reasons for this development?What are the effects on society and family life?
The society developed dramatically and with the population booming,the competition became extremely fierce among younger generation.Take myself as an example,I have graduated from university,and in order to obtain a satisfied job,I must went on a further education to enhance my competitiveness.While we look back on 20 years ago,a Bachelor degree could definitely make me outstanding enough.So that I have no time to look after babies.
首先这段又没有什么语法错误?其次这段作为这个话题的论点够不够充分? taya395 1年前他留下的回答 已收到1个回答

女娲ㄨ安安 网友

该名网友总共回答了14个问题，此问答他的回答如下：采纳率：85.7%

第一句“and”连接的不是两个句子,后面的“with”介词结构应改为句子,或者提前该"with"介词结构,直接带出整句即：With the population booming,the society has been developing dramatically.然后后面"the competition.."这句缺少连词,应将此句改为定语从句或者与The society...这句并列.“Take myself as an example"本身构成一个祈使句,后面没有连词不可连接句子.后面三个句子过于冗余,可改为：In order to obtain a satisfied job after graduating from university,I have to take futher educational courses to enhance my competitveness.“While"用在句首做然而将比较少,可改为：However,when we..."最后一句好像与全文无关,而且so that连接并列句,不可单独成句.例子上其实不建议用个人例子,你可以化小为大,将自己的经历换成两个大机构,比如“CEO”（Chinese Educaiton Organization) 和“CBI”（Chinese Baby-caring Institute),然后造出一些合理的数据来阐述学历的变迁和学历高加之生活压力大对照顾婴儿时间的影响.

1年前他留下的回答 追问

5

taya395

因为题目说的是现在与过去对比，是一个新趋势，所以我拿While we look back on 20 years ago,a Bachelor degree could definitely make me outstanding enough.这一句来表示这种趋势，不知道是不是可以？ 还有就是take myself as an example这句，后面的连词该怎么接？可不可以举个例子呢？谢谢

女娲ㄨ安安

语法上将while改成however即可。如果是我，While comparing the situation 20 years ago, people would defintiely be proud of the Bachelor's degree. Take me as an example是一个句子，直接分开:Take me as an example.I ...,但是这个比较chinglish.一般比较简洁，也可以连接的就是As for me.For me,等等..

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